Author Archives: Running Boston and Beyond

I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason. I’d like to think so, but there’s just too many bad things that happen for me to feel all in on it. But whether things happen for a reason or they do not, I don’t really have the head space to analyze everything. Most of the time, it is what it is. I do look back on the last few years and feel like there’ some sort of guiding force. As you know from my prior writings, I am an avid endurance athlete. Somewhere in between moving my family to Summerville and Covid and watching my kids deal with so much nonsense and disappointment, I got lost. I was injured several times, injuries that seemingly made no sense to me, and suffered from some sort of depression. Where they there to teach me a lesson? Possibly. I’m willing to learn. I’m tired of it, but I will learn. I could go a few years without finding a lesson.

When I was in grad school last summer and fall, I learned a ton about myself. It was therapeutic. When I had to quit grad school, I felt lost. I didn’t want to quit something I started and wanted to finish. I applied to so many jobs, and I was really picky how I wanted to spend my time. I was turned down, even without an interview, so many times. It was crushing to my spirit, so much so, I almost started counseling myself.

I look back now with a sense that things really were supposed to happen the way they played out. I was supposed to send my youngest to private school (where he is so happy and thriving, thankfully), I was supposed to be in school for those two semesters and have those professors, and learn those specific things about myself. As much as I miss Wilmington, we are supposed to be here and Tyler is supposed to go to Clemson. And I was supposed to refinance my house with a company recommended on my neighborhood Facebook page. I now work there. If that’s not ironic, I don’t know what is.

The lessons we have learned the last few years have been tough. Instead of crossing my arms and refusing to learn, I have embraced the suck, I’ve learned, and I’ve grown. And it’s time to move on. I feel different, I feel better, and I feel stronger. It’s time to wave goodbye to the past, turn around, and move forward.

It’s time to tri. It’s time to marathon. I’ve been patient, and I’ve healed. I’ve gotten my competitive spirit back. I can envision competing again, where for so long, I couldn’t even picture it. Now I can see it. I can feel it. I can hear it. I feel like a runner again, even with the extra weight I haven’t lost yet.

So first thing up on my schedule is IMNC 70.3. I love this race. I need this race. This is my first and the only half ironman course I’ve ever done (three times so far), and I love it. It’s home to me. It will be a different training routine for me since I’m working full time. I’m not sure how to navigate it, but with Coach Sami, my love for competing, and of course, my husband who always steps up to fill in where I am lacking, it will be exciting to take on this challenge. I am finally ready.  Do I have a time goal? HELL TO THE NAW. I’m almost positive I won’t even be wearing a watch (I might because I get points for my health insurance but might try to turn the data off if I can).

Instead of writing about being injured and frustrated and all that, I look forward to writing about training, about what’s working or not, new people I meet through training in a new city, and swimming again. My kryptonite. Swimming. But part of the reason I signed up for a tri is it forces me out of my comfort zone. Funny, as I watch Olympic swimming on TV, they’re swimming the 4×100 m relay and I’m thinking it would be at the 25 when they’re done, lol.

As I wave bye bye to the past while remembering the lessons that were taught, I look toward the future. I’m excited about the future and all it can hold, the potential of what could be. For the first time in a very long time, I look forward to being uncomfortable, to pushing myself, to making things right in my little athletic world. Don’t call it a comeback though.

I wrote this last week, but something went awry with my page on Chrome, so finally, I used another browser. Let’s just say I’m not very computer savvy. I read what I wrote again, and I felt a sort of sadness. I don’t mean to be, but I guess things in life can be very complicated, and that’s where I’m at right now. I’m tired of the roller coaster feeling, not really knowing what’s going to happen. “Change fatigue” is what I’m calling it. It’s like being on a paddleboard on lava, then striking ground, but then it just melts into lava again and you’re back on the unsettled surface, not really knowing where to go or what to think. That’s kind of how I’m feeling, plus coming down from such a wonderful Christmas with my family. We took the risk and my parents flew here, my sister and husband drove down. We cooked, we played games, we laughed, we made fun of each other, we opened presents. It was really good. Good things must come to an end at some point, right? Well, that’s what I’m coming down from. Oh well, it’s not that bad, the air is crisp and the humidity is almost non-existent this week. The kids are doing school from their game room and it’s not terrible so far. I think they go back in person next week.

That being said, I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Let’s see some good things in 2021! And back to the regularly non-scheduled blog post.

I like to reflect at the end of each year, as many of us do. What went right, what didn’t, what can I do better, what can I continue to do, stuff like that. Last year started out with a goal of running and walking 2020 miles, which led me to take long walks and contemplate what direction I wanted my life to head. That led me to make the decision to apply for grad school to be a clinical licensed counselor. I’m two semesters in and have learned so much about humans, but especially about myself. I also had to kiss that 2020 miles goal bye-bye over the summer since a weird injury emerged and I was unable to run for a very long time. But if we didn’t learn but one thing in 2020, it’s that we must adapt to unexpected things.

I’ve watched the country, or rather, the world change. I have an inkling that one country could have predicted this, but that’s just my thoughts from things I’ve seen. I have been scared, angry, exhausted, depressed, happy, confused, and probably about a thousand more emotions, many at the same time. We are so thankful that my husband did not lose income. In fact, he was busier after interest rates dropped and sales went through the roof. He is not considered an “essential worker”, but what people need to realize is that his job is essential to us. Everyone’s job is essential to them. And when so many husbands and wives are home, mine wasn’t at home helping me deal with a very difficult situation. He was at work. So think about it when you might think that only essential people should be going to work. Everyone’s job is essential to that person/family.

I’ve watched my kids get significant activities taken away from them and I’ve watched them border depression. It would be incorrect to say that my kids have been unscathed during this pandemic. They aren’t simply “surviving” a pandemic as some say, they are most certainly being held back from things, from activities, from people, from experiences they will never have the chance to replace. Their education changed, significantly. Their teachers changed. They changed. I’ve changed.  They missed out on some life-changing activities, especially my oldest.

In my classes, I’ve learned so much about myself. It was eye opening and therapeutic for me to write these papers, so many unexpectedly about myself, my childhood. I had no idea that’s what I would be doing. I got deep. I got honest. I healed. I saw unhealthy patterns in others, actually, as well as myself. I also realized I am so extremely lucky to have the family that I do.

We traveled twice over the summer, once in June and once in August. The second trip was a last-minute invite from my sister to my parent’s house in Missouri. We needed them. My kids needed them most. We need togetherness, and mostly, my kids needed their grandparents, to feel just a little normal, to play in the lake and shoot guns. It was wonderful. My best friend of all times came to visit me, so we stayed at the beach a few days. That was great. She’s the person who’s known me the longest and the most, besides my sister of course.

Politically speaking, it’s hard to see the division around me. It’s hard to see such judgement, knowing there’s so many who believe in some aspects of both sides. The fact we have sides is ridiculous to me in the first place. The hatred and vitriol from people who simply disagree with others is disheartening. When was it wrong to hold different opinions, and since when are “you” better for making “your” choices? Ugh, social media seems to be the downfall of humans. Except Tik Tok, some of those people have really brought it this year. Yes, I’m talkin’ to you, cranberry juice guy. I took a break from Facebook, and it’s been really nice. I think a lot of people get their validation from likes and stuff like that, and since it seems we can’t even have a real conversation without someone getting butt hurt over opinions, I’ve distanced myself from it. It’s been great, actually. I’ll say something when I feel the need to, but most often, I just scroll on or delete it from my phone for a week or so. I suggest this to anyone who finds themselves on social media at the grocery store. You will feel better.

I’m a little sad today, knowing I went into 2020 with so much hope, a lot for myself. I haven’t kept up well, and I’m a little disappointed in myself, but I also have a whole lot of understanding and compassion for myself too. This year has been a big pile of crap with a few daisies growing on top, if that makes sense.

For 2021, I’m not making resolutions, I’m not choosing a word, I’m not promising to do anything. I’m going to do the best I can on any given day. There’s a lot of change coming for my family this year, and I know a lot of it is going to take a big amount of adjustment. I’m going to give myself grace, I’m going to make very few concrete goals at some point, but most of all, I just want to love on my husband and kids as much as possible. Life is short, you never know, so don’t take it for granted.

On July 8^th of this year, I wrote my last blog post titled “Giving Myself a Little Grace”. I look back on that post and the information I had to make those decisions, and I kind of want to push me, Elaine Benes style and tell that girl to “GET OUT!!!!”.

If I had known that taking that time off and letting my body rest so much would end up in not really being able to run pain-free until this week, I’d have gotten my butt out of bed. Then again, I wouldn’t know what I know and I might have ended up in the same “no running” situation, but not running has been soooooo difficult for this lover of running. I always say that I am tired of learning lessons, I just want to run or train or do what I can do, but who knows better? Not me, that’s for sure. There was a big lesson in this injury, even if I didn’t want to hear or listen or do what I already know I needed to do but couldn’t find the mental energy to do it.

In July, I took my son to Wilmington for his orthodontist appointment, and I ran with a friend of mine. During the run, something in my upper hamstring, the old injury area from January 2019, started hurting enough where I stopped running and walked it in. I don’t do that often. The pain and discomfort I’ve pushed myself through has been pretty significant, but when you have something that’s telling you to stop, you stop.

Since then, I’ve taken time off. That seemed to actually make the symptoms worse. Was it a muscle, tendon, nerve problem? I sure didn’t know.

In September, I went to physical therapy. She said it was likely a nerve impingement from my lower back. My left side, the one that hurt, was weaker than my right side, and I was sort of crooked. After doing some of the prescribed exercises, that was clear. But I still couldn’t run. I walked. I biked. I sulked. Running hurt, especially after. I resented most other runners. I wanted to give up. For me, stress makes me feel like a deer in headlights, and with being in grad school, not being able to run, worrying about a lot of other things going on, and then that little thing called CORONAVIRUS that’s wrecking havoc on the world, I just haven’t handled this well. Granted, the last two years of my life have been so full of unknowns and changes and challenges, some good, some not so good, some expected and planned, some not. I, along with many others, have stress fatigue. I’m so sick of it all. But alas, I am not God and cannot take this thing away, so along with many others, have tried to keep my own ship afloat.

So I kept trying to fix myself. Physical therapy was quickly halted because in South Carolina, you have to have a doctor referral to continue past thirty days. Who know? I sure didn’t. And I’m stubborn enough to refuse to comply with that stupid rule. So I continued to do the strength, but I wasn’t making progress. Frustration grew. I knew I was having some issues initiating and/or following through with strength prescribed by coach, so I quit that too and hired a personal trainer.

One month, m and several good conversations with trainer later, I am stronger, I am able to run a little, and my symptoms have decreased significantly. That being said, I did go to the chiropractor on Monday and found that I’m still pretty jacked up. My spine is like a backwards “C”, and my pelvis is tilted forward, putting tons of pressure on the nerves that travel through said crooked pelvis, hence the pain, especially when sitting or sleeping.

I’m done with the trainer, who has done an amazing job and I am forever thankful for those damn push ups (maybe?), and am continuing chiropractic care and strength on my own. Will I follow through now? Absolutely! What makes it a million times better is that since my sister is a Peloton groupie, I get to be too. Who knew you could sign friends and family up for their own Peloton account and have access to amazing workouts of every type? I certainly didn’t, but found out last week, so game on!

This is the first time since July I’ve had any positive movement, so I’m extremely motivated to continue it. I know I can’t get all crazy with the running until I get things straightened out in the spine department, because the last thing I want to do is to make something else break because I’m running with an uneven body. Stronger than before, but definitely uneven. It’s not worth it.

As everything else in this dumpster fire of a year, I was expecting to run the Wilmington marathon in February, the day before my youngest son turns 15, but I will not. I won’t even run the half, because that’s a lot of training to do and as I said above, I do not want to hurt something else by getting all crazy with the running. Let’s do it smart!

As mentioned above, this year is a dumpster fire, but there’s been a lot of good. Remember that 2020 goal to walk/run 2020 miles in 2020? Yeah, that isn’t going to happen. But if I hadn’t taken that challenge, I may not have gone for a walk the day I decided I need to figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, and I may not have decided to go to grad school to be a counselor. Good Lord knows, that is a job with increasing demand. Unfortunate but fortunate for me given the decision.

I think we all need to learn something from the situation that is 2020. Not that there’s just a LOT of stupid people out there, not new silly slogans that drive me completely crazy, but helpful pieces of a puzzle, or finding out that you do need to give yourself a little grace, but do it in a healthy and balanced way. Maybe it’s that life is precious and that you may not want to pass on the holiday get together. Maybe it’s that you really like driving when there’s no traffic. Or don’t. Haha, not sure who doesn’t, but you just never know. Even when things are bleak, there’s always a light to find!

I think one more important thing to remember is to stay kind. Hold yourself to a higher standard. Listen to those who hold differing opinions. Have conversations. Be graceful. If you’re going to call someone a dumbass, do it behind their back for crying out loud!

Cheers!

As normal, it’s been a long time since I’ve written. Crazy times right now, and so much has changed in just a short amount of time. As I’m sure so many people have felt, it’s been extremely stressful. My family moved last summer, almost exactly a year ago. Along with that, my kids had to adjust to a new routine, my husband had to work his old project in Wilmington plus the current project in Summerville, and I trained for the Endurance Trifecta. Once that was over, I had a foot injury, and fought tooth and nail to get my health back so I could run again. It was like molasses in winter. Thankfully my patience paid off.

In November, my oldest son found a great traveling, competitive percussion group. It was his THING. He worked for endless, tiring hours practicing the routine and music, perfecting every little movement and facial expression along the way. Just an FYI, I didn’t know this even existed prior to my son joining, so check out WGI Percussion if you’re curious. It’s a mix of marching band meets dance team meets drum line, but at a really high level of competition. This spring, my youngest son found his people in his teammates on the track team. He’s had trouble adjusting to his new 8^th grade, and he just naturally gets along better with the 9^th graders he’s met from cross country and track. I was just meeting more people in my neighborhood. I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I enrolled in grad school at Charleston Southern University.

Then. Hits. Corona. All of it stopped. Everything my kids truly loved at this point in their lives was *poof*, gone. I couldn’t cultivate my new friendships. I was on an emotional roller coaster with everything and was glued to the TV. My husband was pretty much working normally, except for the distancing from everyone else. He works in the field a lot, so it was fairly easy for them to adjust to meeting on the project grounds or Zoom meetings. So there was some normalcy in the family, and we didn’t have to worry about his income. Sigh of relief. My oldest completed his schoolwork from home and did a great job albeit he did not enjoy online learning at all. I almost got my youngest counseling because I thought he was falling into a depression. I was scared. Thankfully, he slowly came out of it, for the most part.

Through all this, I tried to maintain some semblance of normalcy for me and the boys. All my spring races were cancelled. I tried to maintain my fitness and it was really hard for me to do so. I wanted to sleep. I was exhausted, unmotivated, and I wasn’t sure why. I forced myself to complete most workouts. I would run 3 miles and want to quit, but I forged ahead. I hired my former coach, because I needed motivation. Coach Sami is awesome. I got it done. But I found myself begrudgingly getting up, even though I knew I would be glad I got the workout done. I was not inspired. I was faking it til I made it, but I just never made it. My mind is full, it’s cluttered, and I need a break. The chaos in the country hasn’t helped. The incessant arguing, the right-fighting, the name-calling. I. Am. Over. It. All.

Then I went on vacation to see my parents that I haven’t seen or hugged or laid eyes on in almost a year, the longest I’ve ever gone in my entire life without seeing them. I slept in. I deleted my news and social media apps. I sat on their deck for hours, soaking in the plethora of birds, the sound of boats on the lake, the breeze on the leaves, and the conversation we had. We went out on the boat and floated around, talking while soaking in the sun. It was amazing. My kids got to learn how to water ski. They shot guns. They ate nutty buddies at lunch. We laughed, we joked, we talked about serious stuff. I did my school work. My parents cooked for us. And we got refreshed.

I took a few days off running. For the first time in a hundred billion years, I wasn’t guilty about that. That was a new feeling. I told my husband that I was going to give myself a little grace for missing workouts. He wasn’t sure if he believed me, but I was serious. This is the first time since I can remember that I’ve been so unstructured, so unwilling to guilt myself into working out. But when I do work out, it’s been good. It’s been sweaty, and unplanned. It’s been nice. If I feel a breeze when it’s time to stop, I keep going. If I want to stop at 55 minutes instead of 60, I quit. If I want to get up and drink coffee instead, I do.

I also decided to put off my marathon goal and run a marathon for fun again. Instead of Houston in January, I’ll stay home and run Charleston the same weekend. It’s been years. I can barely even remember that time when I could let go of time workouts, goals, and making every single workout count. I’ve run a 3:33 marathon, and that would be great to do again, but that time will have to wait. I want to be free. I want to enjoy, I want to be one with running again. I don’t want to feel pressure from anywhere, mostly myself, of what my time will be when I cross the finish line. I want to not even care.

I talked to Coach Sami about it all, and I gave myself July to be free. To just do what I felt. To not feel guilty about a missed workout. And I feel really comfortable about it. I don’t want to unpack and live in this space, I just want to rent a VRBO for a few weeks. I want to ride my bike and get back in the pool. I can’t believe I want to get back in the pool. But if I don’t make it to the pool, I don’t want to feel bad about it either.

I feel relief. I feel like the vice is off and the pressure blanket has been removed. As Sami framed it, I’m breaking up with the feelings I was having, not running itself. Separation is good, the reunion will be grand. I can already feel it!

How have you been in this weird time? What’s the phrase you’ll never want to hear again. My word is “mask”. I already detest this word, and the only time I ever want to hear it after this whole pandemic is over is when referring to Halloween.

I know I’m not the only one who feels like we live in The Twilight Zone. It’s very weird out right now in so many ways. It feels like a hurricane is bearing down on us but we don’t know it’s path or strength so we just hunker down in the corner with our hands over our head, elementary-school-tornado-drill-style, and peek out every once in a while to see what the heck is going on. I appreciate the way humans come together during difficult times, and in some ways, our country needed a good shake up; that being said, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone at any time, as I could think of a million better ways for a country to come together besides a pandemic. People are bringing their meme game, which proves we all need humor in difficult times. Some of my favorites:

I have to say, it’s all I can do to not white out that apostrophe. 

And the winner goes to:

This reminds me of the build up and then the subsequent aftermath of Hurricane Florence. You see so many hurting, scared, sick, unemployed, underemployed, lonely, but on the flipside, you see so many coming together to help out. This is a very weird time.

I’m very thankful I can continue to run. I was just starting to train for a half marathon trail race at the beginning of May, but I assume this race will not happen. Now that I can’t use the gym to get in some incline work, I’ve continued to add miles to my weekend long runs, now up to ten. Some runs are good, some are not-so-good, but they are improving overall, which is the goal. I struggled most when it was humid, so I’m a little nervous about the summer, but all I can do is keep pushing forward. **I wrote this on Friday but didn’t get to posting it until today. Race was postponed until September so I did not do a long run this weekend. I rode my bike for 90 minutes on the trainer instead.

For me, when things are stressful, which I feel like it has been in one way or another for almost two years, I either put my nose to the grindstone and forge ahead or freeze up. I’m in the freeze up version of stress right now. When expectation and reality are not close, and they are about as far away as the Sun and Pluto (yes, it’s a planet because that’s what I learned in school), I tend to struggle. This has been a very strange year so far, as I know it has been for many.

I started the year with the 2020 challenge, which consists of running 2020 miles in 2020. I took the challenge, but gave myself permission to walk additional miles and to not meet the goal. It averages about 5.5 miles per day, and when I cross train one day and take one day off, that is a lot of miles! And it’s a challenge that really doesn’t have a reason, it’s just a number, so I am not going to stress about it. I’m just keeping track of my miles, that’s all. It will be interesting to see how many I get by the end of the year! January was 161.52 miles, February 138.96, and with one day left, March is 150.78, and total is 451.26 miles! Considering I need 507 in the first quarter to meet the 2020 goal, it’s not likely that I will make it, but dang! 450-ish miles is pretty awesome!

When the kids went back to school after Christmas break, I found myself trying to get in extra walking miles with my dog. I have a path where I let her off the leash and she just runs around, sniffs everything, and pees about twelve hundred million times. She loves it and I love to see her happy. I had applied for a few jobs, and during one of those walks, I realized that I probably wasn’t going to get a call back for the one I really wanted and one I knew I was well qualified to do. Either way, I needed a plan. I decided that I needed to figure out what I wanted to do. I thought about not doing anything, which was quickly dismissed. I’ve only not worked or been a major volunteer a few years since my kids were born, and I needed to have something for me, something that was mine, like my coaching business had been. I thought about starting up my business in the schools again, and I just couldn’t figure out a way that it would work. Access to a bathroom, safety, and a good location were lacking. I thought about returning to the mortgage industry. I really enjoyed being a mortgage underwriter, but I knew I’d have to start at the bottom again since I had been out of the industry for 17 years. As much as I could do this, I felt like it wasn’t for me anymore, especially starting at the bottom, again.

My oldest son is a junior in high school, and we had just booked college tours. I kept telling both my kids that they need to do what they truly want to do, as long as it’s not something like “butterfly hunting in Africa”, and they could make a living at it. College is so expensive, they needed to have a career goal or they should just stay home and go to community college and work until they figure it out. I kept telling them to follow their passion, don’t be someone who grits their teeth through every work day. Their dad, my husband had chased his dreams for years and is finally at a place where he wanted to be and imagines staying until retirement. That’s what I want for them. Yes, you have to start at the bottom, you have to do jobs you don’t like, you have to work more than 40 hours per week, but if that’s what it takes to get to your goal, then so be it. To get your dream job, you really should have to pay your dues, live in a crappy apartment, drive an old car. But it’s worth it.

I found it ironic that I was telling my kids to follow their dreams when I wasn’t. I had stopped myself from even considering going back to school because of money, time, it’s too much sacrifice, blah blah blah. There was always a reason why I couldn’t or shouldn’t go back, and this time, I could not find one reasonable reason why I couldn’t follow my dreams. But what were they? Hmmmm, well, I’d enrolled in college after high school with the hopes of being a psychologist so I could help people with their problems. I had struggled with an eating disorder in high school, been to counseling, and felt my counselors were not very good. I wanted to be the good one. But once I got to school, I didn’t want to have to go for a bazillion more years. Looking back, it was a very short-sighted decision, but I wouldn’t be right here writing this if I had continued with that goal.

During that walk on a sunny, cool January morning, I decided that I was going to go back to school. I did days of research, met with an enrollment counselor, talked to others on the phone, and finally applied to Charleston Southern University grad school for the Clinical Counseling master degree. I was accepted on my son’s birthday, February 28^th. Just this week, after talking to the director a few times, I officially enrolled in two classes for summer and three for the fall. I am officially going to graduate school!

And while I am bored out of my gourd and relatively frozen during this quarantine, I am hopeful for my future as a student and then as a counselor. It’s crazy what can happen when you take time to clear your head and get straight with yourself. I’m a lot less likely to take crap from people and cut out the drama, more likely to help out local businesses and call those I love, and find the niche where I can help. I’ve spent a lot of time on my phone playing games, reading, and not doing house work. My kids have been doing eLearning through their school, but I’ve allowed pretty much anything.

This is how eLearning is going for my middle schooler.

I hope you all are doing ok. I can’t imagine facing unemployment at this time, having sick relatives, being sick myself. I haven’t seen my parents since last July, and we are supposed to see them for a fun ten day trip this summer at their house. I don’t know if that will happen. It scares me. I miss them SO MUCH. I worry about them, I worry about the economy, I worry about paying for college for me and my kids. There’s a LOT of unknowns. My youngest son’s orthodontist appointment was cancelled (by me because he had run a fever two days prior) and I have no idea when he can get in again. My oldest son needs an eye exam. I need an eye exam. But I have to trust we are in the middle of a snow globe snow storm, and it WILL calm down. Things WILL get back to normal.

I’m wishing the absolute best for everyone out there reading this. I will say a prayer of calm, of comfort, of releasing the worry. Til next time.