2020: A reflection of sorts

I wrote this last week, but something went awry with my page on Chrome, so finally, I used another browser. Let’s just say I’m not very computer savvy. I read what I wrote again, and I felt a sort of sadness. I don’t mean to be, but I guess things in life can be very complicated, and that’s where I’m at right now. I’m tired of the roller coaster feeling, not really knowing what’s going to happen. “Change fatigue” is what I’m calling it. It’s like being on a paddleboard on lava, then striking ground, but then it just melts into lava again and you’re back on the unsettled surface, not really knowing where to go or what to think. That’s kind of how I’m feeling, plus coming down from such a wonderful Christmas with my family. We took the risk and my parents flew here, my sister and husband drove down. We cooked, we played games, we laughed, we made fun of each other, we opened presents. It was really good. Good things must come to an end at some point, right? Well, that’s what I’m coming down from. Oh well, it’s not that bad, the air is crisp and the humidity is almost non-existent this week. The kids are doing school from their game room and it’s not terrible so far. I think they go back in person next week.

That being said, I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Let’s see some good things in 2021! And back to the regularly non-scheduled blog post.

I like to reflect at the end of each year, as many of us do. What went right, what didn’t, what can I do better, what can I continue to do, stuff like that. Last year started out with a goal of running and walking 2020 miles, which led me to take long walks and contemplate what direction I wanted my life to head. That led me to make the decision to apply for grad school to be a clinical licensed counselor. I’m two semesters in and have learned so much about humans, but especially about myself. I also had to kiss that 2020 miles goal bye-bye over the summer since a weird injury emerged and I was unable to run for a very long time. But if we didn’t learn but one thing in 2020, it’s that we must adapt to unexpected things.

I’ve watched the country, or rather, the world change. I have an inkling that one country could have predicted this, but that’s just my thoughts from things I’ve seen. I have been scared, angry, exhausted, depressed, happy, confused, and probably about a thousand more emotions, many at the same time. We are so thankful that my husband did not lose income. In fact, he was busier after interest rates dropped and sales went through the roof. He is not considered an “essential worker”, but what people need to realize is that his job is essential to us. Everyone’s job is essential to them. And when so many husbands and wives are home, mine wasn’t at home helping me deal with a very difficult situation. He was at work. So think about it when you might think that only essential people should be going to work. Everyone’s job is essential to that person/family.

I’ve watched my kids get significant activities taken away from them and I’ve watched them border depression. It would be incorrect to say that my kids have been unscathed during this pandemic. They aren’t simply “surviving” a pandemic as some say, they are most certainly being held back from things, from activities, from people, from experiences they will never have the chance to replace. Their education changed, significantly. Their teachers changed. They changed. I’ve changed.  They missed out on some life-changing activities, especially my oldest.

In my classes, I’ve learned so much about myself. It was eye opening and therapeutic for me to write these papers, so many unexpectedly about myself, my childhood. I had no idea that’s what I would be doing. I got deep. I got honest. I healed. I saw unhealthy patterns in others, actually, as well as myself. I also realized I am so extremely lucky to have the family that I do.

We traveled twice over the summer, once in June and once in August. The second trip was a last-minute invite from my sister to my parent’s house in Missouri. We needed them. My kids needed them most. We need togetherness, and mostly, my kids needed their grandparents, to feel just a little normal, to play in the lake and shoot guns. It was wonderful. My best friend of all times came to visit me, so we stayed at the beach a few days. That was great. She’s the person who’s known me the longest and the most, besides my sister of course.

Politically speaking, it’s hard to see the division around me. It’s hard to see such judgement, knowing there’s so many who believe in some aspects of both sides. The fact we have sides is ridiculous to me in the first place. The hatred and vitriol from people who simply disagree with others is disheartening. When was it wrong to hold different opinions, and since when are “you” better for making “your” choices? Ugh, social media seems to be the downfall of humans. Except Tik Tok, some of those people have really brought it this year. Yes, I’m talkin’ to you, cranberry juice guy. I took a break from Facebook, and it’s been really nice. I think a lot of people get their validation from likes and stuff like that, and since it seems we can’t even have a real conversation without someone getting butt hurt over opinions, I’ve distanced myself from it. It’s been great, actually. I’ll say something when I feel the need to, but most often, I just scroll on or delete it from my phone for a week or so. I suggest this to anyone who finds themselves on social media at the grocery store. You will feel better.

I’m a little sad today, knowing I went into 2020 with so much hope, a lot for myself. I haven’t kept up well, and I’m a little disappointed in myself, but I also have a whole lot of understanding and compassion for myself too. This year has been a big pile of crap with a few daisies growing on top, if that makes sense.

For 2021, I’m not making resolutions, I’m not choosing a word, I’m not promising to do anything. I’m going to do the best I can on any given day. There’s a lot of change coming for my family this year, and I know a lot of it is going to take a big amount of adjustment. I’m going to give myself grace, I’m going to make very few concrete goals at some point, but most of all, I just want to love on my husband and kids as much as possible. Life is short, you never know, so don’t take it for granted.